Nights like these I fall in love over and over again. Like there is not enough of him to enjoy. Like I could just stare at him needlessly smiling inside and out. Like him on top of me would not be enough closeness. Like there could never exist enough closeness because he would still be too far. Even before he got dressed, I knew he would wear his polka dot shirt. That he would look irresistible, despite the fact that I was upset at him from before. Only I knew that I cried while he slept, upset that I upset him/us/me. I just want to love him, and be loved by him I told/tell myself. I couldn’t concentrate trying to do work, so I frustrated myself more by letting myself feel sad and crying ever so silently so he wouldn’t wake. I worked up the courage to forgive and forget, I was looking forward to this night for more than a week, for a chance to connect and be close again.
I prepared dinner, thinking that if he didn’t eat prior, he should before we left. I didn’t want him to be starving throughout the show. He woke up, and showered and got ready. When he was done, he looked more ravishing than I imagined. Even my fury made me want to take him to bed. I said I would shower before dinner too. I was quick, but I didn’t look shabby. When I came downstairs from getting ready, he said I looked beautiful. He hugged me near, kissed me and it was enough, it was more than enough. Here is the man I love I thought. We had a great dinner, where he told me some of his long dream. In it, we had escaped, and all was more than great. I was pregnant and we lived in a beautiful house in the Caribbean. For six months, we did little but enjoy life, if was the stuff of dreams.
Then we got ready to leave and buffed our shoes. We walked hand in hand to the car. I tossed him the keys for him to drive, this was that type of night. When we found parking, again our hands just found each other and linked. Times like these I think that this is the most natural feeling that could ever exist. Walking on Laurier Avenue, I was thinking about 4 years ago when we walked hand in hand on this same street going to this same venue for another show. Now he looked at me and said “I want to kiss you”. And of course I wanted him to kiss me, of course of course of course. I could kiss him a million times over. Have you ever felt like you were floating because sometimes the level of happiness is so beyond anything you think could be true? Sometimes this happens when I am with him. It feels like I am only watching myself and feeling residual happiness. That it is all too much, all too great. He told me the red stairs inside the NAC were laid down just for me because I was his queen.In hindsight this sounds corny but believe me it was cute. I looked at him, feeling everything I ever could. And he looked back at me, and then I knew. I could see it in his eyes, that we had to kiss -a magical old Hollywood type kiss- there on the stairs. I knew that we needed it, that it would be perfect and it was. The show was great. He held me the entire time, breaking only to give me the sweetest softest kiss on the cheek and I the same for him. I know when we are out like this, that our love blinds people, that it shines and that everyone can see it.
The rest of the night was a beautiful climax of love and passion. Sometimes only his look or his voice in my ear is reminder enough that he is everything. I went home that night thinking there is no greater tool than deep love. I fell asleep smiling, knowing I must love him and he will in turn love me, and that the present can only get so much better than our past.
Ed note: Days, months, years after - all those moments of bliss were lies weaved in the fabric of the truth so it looked so beautiful you could not see any misplacement.
no one tells you that you are more than your parts
that you are whole
no one tells you that you are your own hero
that you do not need him
or her or them or us
no one tells you it is a mistake to correct the broken
that you must run away from a fire at its first
instance rather than try and tame it
no one tells you that he is a fire that burns too much
that you must understand he is too fast
and he will not stop, no not ever
no one tells you so you tell yourself