I had to create tiny figments of your memories instead
because the fulsome ones were swallowing me whole
and I couldn’t sleep any more and
there were too many tears and I was afraid
of being unable to function, of failing, of falling
and I don’t want this and I am praying for something,
anything to help pull me through so I can simply exist,
or exist the way I did, the way I used to
before you slowly dug this shrapnel close to my lungs
that’s making it hard for me to breathe and I’m losing focus on what is
truth and what were the lies and if ever you were here
and if ever you loved me.
I envy every material fibre
That sees you as you sleep
For I am falling asleep trying
To remember your facial expressions
And I worry of a time where I’ll be
Unsure exactly how you look(ed) and
Those fibres get to stare at you forever
I guess what I’m saying is
I miss looking at you
But I also hate that I feel this way
Now you’re yelling at me saying “Do you know what we have is rare?”
Yes. I very much do. You know deeply that I have always known.
I may have been younger than you, and you may have played a game with my life but I was wiser than you then. I was always wiser than you.
I am sorry it took you so long to see. I will forgive you this betrayal.
I hereby cease being our broken record, this is my very last hurrah.